Oh another year…maybe ill figure it out

So new year's eve eve, I watched Julie and Julia, and it encouraged me to start a blog that I would write about every day, which has a goal at the end! So this is my start for my quest to find love. Im not sure if I can "make" love happen but I think for now im just going to write about all my adventures and the quest to find it. More like a journal and maybe one day ill find it, but all the funny stories that Im going through to find it I would like to remember and look back. To my readers out there, someone told me that I am very blessed because I have experienced love in a full circle, I once (not proud to say) had broken someone's heart, although while did it I had no idea what it felt like to actually have my heart broken, then it happened I had my heart broken and how different I started to see love once that happened. I realized that once your heart has been broken it is very hard to want to love another person again. But more recently ive sort of moved on…I have not given completely up on love, but I have actually been on this mission or race to find it, keep it, and want to have a life with love. Weird? Yes for me a little I think I have actually developed an obsession to find it! It has at times consumed me and the older I am getting the more obsessed I am to find it. For two years I have been on this mission. I want to be in love and get married and have a life. I think its cause I am ready, im almost done with school (its taken a while, but in may or july), and ive moved out, I love myself, and Im a complete person. Whats next, I feel like I just need another person to share my "complete" life with. Im ready to share my life and grow old with someone, more like a life partner and/or best friend.

Well I guess I need to start on my current state. I was recently dating this guy, we will call him Gator. Gator and I had been dating for about a month and a half. We met online, on a dating service in October. He was the first guy to email me and I hadn't even registered so I couldn't read the email, I didn't know who had emailed me or what it said but I was definitely curious to know who sent me one. So I subscribed and it was the Gator. It was such a simple email. So I checked out his profile, good looking guy, pretty smile and pretty blue eyes. I was intrigued plus one of the guys I knew, knew him well knew who he was (they worked together, but Gator was the authoritive figure) his profile was legit! So I was ok with this guy, and he gave me his number and I called him and we talked forever and I was really excited about this guy. We met…I was nervous. Well we went on one more date and it was ok, and then he started to act silly with me so I stepped back. Not only that but this guy that I had dated before my online dating quest, he was trying to be all nice and take me out and I fell for it and pushed the Gator away. Then I thought about it and the other guy made me mad so I went back to Gator and fell for him. He has a couple of flaws but was where I wanted a person I would want a relationship to be. So that's where are dating started. And after a month of steadily dating each other; well things have changed and he seems to be concerned about what he really wants. So now we are on a break, no communication until he "knows" that he doesn't want me for sure. I had to tell him it was all in or nothing. So…this leaves me waiting. Its been one whole day; im nervous. I know its only a month. But im tired of looking, I want to give up. I feel alone, for the first time and I feel like im getting old and I want a change of pace. For almost 3 years I have been dating and dating and dating. Online was and is my last resort and im still not finding what I want. Where else is there to look? I want a change of pace with someone, and am questioning many things in the process. Its hard to be patient, but if the Gator doesn't work out. I really don't know what other options I have. I know, I need to be patient and when im not looking it will happen, but I who wants to hear that. I want it now. Thus this blog, im going to write and maybe somewhere along the lines I will find what it is that im looking for. So here it goes…

Im starting again, with many questions

Oh where have I been…so many places and people and things going on. I am officially in a not so busy part of my life, which is concerning me. I have free time and have no idea how to utilize it and im starting to feel lonely. I think most of all I want some sort of direction from someone, which has never happened before. Do people in there 20s go through a mid-20 crisis? I am beginning to feel like there is one for your 20s…if im going through this now, is it practice for later on in life, does this part make you stronger for later years to come. I have begun thinking all of these random thoughts about life and what direction it is going. I think I have had these feelings before but now more so then ever (see what free time does to you). I also think I have reached another loss in my life which has confused the life out of me. Another friendship lost…
I really don’t know from what point I stopped having fun and being myself, does old age do this to you? An old friend reminded me that I just needed to live my life and have fun! I thought about this and am continuing to think about this one, do I not have fun anymore and I not fun. I mean I used to be the life of the party. Am I not that girl anymore…
Im not sure about this getting older thing.
Well other than these random old thoughts and the mid-20s crisis, I am just trying to get it all together…
Maybe I just need some of my randomness back and then all will fall into place!
IM READY FOR A NEW ADVENTURE, HOPEFULLY THAT CAN BE SHARED WITH SOMEONE, TOO!

New job, new stress, and schools finally out, yay!

Omg…ok, I have officially been MIA for like a couple of weeks. So besides leaving out the juicy details of my adventure with TSM (which I have filled in), I have been going insane, well not really but its been busy for me. Well during the second week of my little brother and sister's spring break, I was offered a job, I know I had officially stopped looking and bam, it happened, finally. I the best part was that I didn't even have to interview. So I get this phone call on Tuesday, from this agency ive been working with on helping me find a job and finally they came through, the lady gave me the info and was like you need to be there by 730am, at this point my eyes literally popped out of their socket. Which ment that I would need to be up by 6 to leave by 710 and be ready and not late…umm…yeah, remember my not EVER being on time, well I think that it officially had to stop…(don't worry it hasn't though). So I was so excited, it's a temp job for the president of the community college, im just the secretary. But yeah so I started the 14^th of april, (holy cheese-its im really far behind on my blogging), so yeah I started that JOB. Its going good, I just forgot how to balance everything since I hadn't done it in over a year. So well my time-management skills have completely flown out the window. Which will bring me to the school situation…

So yeah between juggling everything, schools been getting ruff…im so glad its over with. These last couple of weeks with doing both has really drained me. So this week was the last week and I feel like I had no kindof direction on where and what to do and how to manage time. We had this group project and everyone was supposed to have it ready and it wasn't, then I had this law test, which is not easy and the teacher doesn't believe in multiple choice questions, so all short answer, basically you must memorize the information off had or else your screwed, I think I was and am. I don't even want to see my grades in this class…but at the same time its all done with.

Other than that this past weekend, I went out to the rodeo and we got cattleman's club wristbands, which is the vip area for the rodeo, its all you can eat and drink and we did drink a whole lot, basically we got there around 8 and were severely intoxicated my 10…and still proceeded to drink. Oh this night I was full of great ideas, lets just start with the hands, drinking the list, meeting cowboys, eating volunteer food, and peeing in a trailer (I know tmi, but there is a story behind it which is significantly important and funny) and getting into an argument with court…Lets start with the mini-hands, aka mini-fives, so much fun, there were these mini-hands that were used to stir the drinks and mindi and I had a blast with them, I think that was our entertainment for the night, which I have collected like 5 of them. We decided we needed one every time we had a drink then, we forgot to accomplish this mission by our lets say 5^th drink. Then there was this list…about after 3 drinks, there was this list on the side of the bar that had all these funny names with different types of liquor (warning flag one, second they were inappropriate names, i.e. horny bull, ride em cowboy, the cowboys wife, etc) anywhoo, so again, I was like oh, I am going to accomplish this list, (the list had tequila, vodka, rum, jack, and another one) so basically I was 3 away from the list when the cattlemen's thing closed. So if you think about it I accomplished the amount of drinks on the list, but not the different kinds cause I had three before my grand idea, which was not so grand that night or the next day! Next subject, meeting cowboys, so this vip section, after the rodeo, the cowboys hang out there and there I was minding my own business and this cowboy comes up to me and was like "are you hungry?" For a moment, I thought I can take this two ways: obviously I have been smaller so I don't look like I need to be fed, and he is just using a pick up line or he thinks I look like I need to be fed and im not as big as I think, im going to opt for the second, well at least im hoping. Well he asked I said "yes, im hungry where's the food?" So we followed him over to this tent on the other side, and we get there and this lady was "are you a volunteer?" and this leads up to stealing volunteer food, and I turn and look at my cowboy and say "we are with him" which we did volunteer the next day so technically we are volunteers but in the intoxication state, I had completely forgot this at this moment. We eat and it's the best bbq, EVER!!! And then go back to drinking…So basically we closed the cattlemans club down and these cowboys and his friends follow us and somehow I was the designated person to go with the cowboys and I had to pee, which I did in their bathroom in the trailor and as soon as I got out they said I pooped and I didn't, I pinkie, but for the rest of the night I was called the pooper! Which I didn't like cause I thought it referred to me as a party pooper but it wasn't like that, at the time I didn't know that, I think I did but didn't want to. So we get to this bar and court call mindi and I stupid, well shes talking to someone via text messaging and mindi see it and was WTF? Why would you be telling other people that we are stupid and we get into it and court storms out and mindi and I continue to talk about why she would act like this and that we don't talk about her we just tell her to her face and so we leave and go home, where I am trying my hardest to get a hold of TSM (by this time I am severely intoxicated and should not have any time of communication device in my possession) and wasn't making good choices…so yeah, I basically at this point just passed out.

The next day, oh did I feel crappy…I had to meet with my group and that wasn't successful, I basically felt like poop the whole time I was there and had a protein spill in the bathroom at the coffee house and was not very productive with the whole situation. Yeah it wasn't good, then I had to go home and rest and take a shower to get ready to volunteer, it was not a good day at all.

So I was resting and a friend of mine was like lets go out and I was like im old I don't want to go out I had way too much the day before and just wanted to rest, which I did, then she mentioned cute guys and jimmy buffet, so I was sold. I got there…no cute boys, btw there wasn't any jimmy it was some generic brand of jimmy…we left and went to another bar. And I wasn't any fun cause I was so blah!!!

So my friend has been wanting to set me up with this guy, hes really nice and fun, im just not that attracted to him. And so shes been like hes nice and so on, and im like yeah ok what the heck I should give it a try, well he was at the "generic jimmy concert" and so we talked and he went with us to the bar afterwards and asked me to go and eat with him on Sunday. But well I had a packed day, which doesn't happen very often and I seemed to turn into the bitch, I was running late, like always, I told him where I wanted to eat and that we needed to meet there cause I would be in a hurry to go and meet up with some friends afterwards, completely not like me on a first date. It was bad, cause I was really late and I wasn't really into this guy, I made it seem like a forced situation. But oh well.

I went to the baseball game, this has been my second game, I think I need to start going more often, cause well there are some good looking guys there. I got super excited cause when I went I think it was mascot day so all these different people were dressed up, I was super excited and decided to take a pic with the taco…when I walked off he started dancing and some guy was like "that is one happy taco!"

I went MIA…and left some details out!!!

So I haven't been blogging, I kindof forgot to, (sorry kels) I think that some people are prob a little disappointed in the fact that I haven't been updating my life…sorry. Well lets see…nothing too exciting has happened, but at the same time I think there are significant things that I need to make mental/web page notes about.

Boys…ugh, I think at this point I am going to throw in the towel. Some part of me is like, ok, these guys im meeting are men, but acting like boys. So I will just make that notation…anyhoo, well the last adventure I had was with this individual I call Toy Story Mania, yes after the ride, and no it doesn't have any significant meaning (it kindof does) but it wasn't discovered until later. His name is related to the movie and in my drunkenness state this was the deciding factor once he told me his name.

So im thinking that I should at least give you a warning on how I met this individual; first of all I met him while I was intoxicated, this in all is a warning sign that he couldn't be a potential husband because well I have this thing that I don't want to meet someone in a bar or club or while im intoxicated because I wouldn't want to later tell my kids that I met their father while I was intoxicated (I have standards). So that's my thing, and well in my state of intoxication I thought everyone had disappeared; well maybe I just wanted everyone to disappear (I think some people were being in love and others well maybe I just thought weren't around) and it was the last song and I really wanted to dance, so I glance over and see this TSM guy and I point to him and say your dancing with me! It wasn't a question, it was a demand, and so he said lets dance and I fell in my intoxication love…so yeah. Btw – hes super hot and hes from sc where they talk like they are from the country, I was in temporary love. Well he tells me his name and the first thing I say is oh like from toy story…so that's Toy Story Mania, aka TSM. So hes a weird guy, he called but seems a little mysterious, which I love. So over the weekend I went to niko's and had no intentions of going out but me and court went to have a drink and as walking in I notice him, but am not too sure if its him? Yeah, that's how intoxicated I was, so of course I don't make a fuss out of it and walk in and court decides to sit two chairs over from him, at this point she doesn't know anything, until we sit down and Im like I think that is Toy Story Mania…Its funny, and so im trying not to look at him, then realize its him. Well so the whole time hes checking his phone, well we make this observation while im texting, each time I check my phone he checks his. After my first drink I give in and send him a text message, hey im at nikos you should join? Well this guy and his friend start to laugh, and well its him…Needless to say this him and I are sitting next to each other; decide to only communicate by text message cause we are both going along with the fact that he's somewhere else and I am totally flirting via text message with the idea that one of us has to give in. So he walks off to the bathroom and I ask for my check and his friend says you cant leave??? Court and me laughed so loud that I signed it and walked out of the bar!!! Then he calls me and was like im on my way to nikos and I was like I already left. I wasn't going to give in first, no way no how, plus I did make the first move when I told him to dance with me. I thought to myself, am I not attractive cause this guy doesn't want to say hi, but then again I don't think I am so whatever, weird??? He still text me so idk. My point exactly, weird or WERID by someone I know…So yeah…he became a good pld, that was excused cause it was my birthday weekend celebration (two weekends after). Whatever, we were celebrating!!! So whats so mysterious and intriguing of this individual, well I asked him why he didn't have a girlfriend, which now I regret cause he doesn't call so much anymore, but his answer was that he was picky and hasn't found the right one…my jaw dropped, and I was in love, he is me but with a boy part and he prob acts worse, so I felt like I needed to run far from him cause I couldn't fall for him, NEVER!!! I think that has been my adventure lately…

So that was my adventure that weekend, then the next weekend was Easter, I just went to the lake with some friends and on Friday and hung out and drank some beer and ate chicken salad, which btw my uncle makes the greatest. It rained and we just played cards, the usual, lots of fun in the wilderness.

Where have I been?

So its been about a week that i havent blogged. oops, i think i kindof forgot about it. but i will def re-cap my week...well last week i was getting ready for my bday celebration for the weekend. Well it finally came, turns out that i dont think i want to party anymore, well at least not like a rock star...
so friday night me and a friend and a guy friend went out and there was a bar full of hot guys, none of which talked to me, so yeah, but i also just sat there in the corner. I wanted to get intoxicated but i also wanted to party the next day, which i am learning that if i do too much of in one day then it just doesnt happen for the next day, im basically dying. lol. so i decided to take it easy.
saturday we went to my friend krystals house where she hosted a wine sampling pregame party, which was fun, we also ended up just getting the same wines we always get. im more into the sweet dessert wines, moscato, white zin, and reisling, so good...so we had those and a different white wine, but i will say that not all white wine taste the same...anyways, well we tried this new club called aria, basically it was overrated, so overrated, we got all fancy and stuff, which i need to figure out how to post pics so that you can see. but i dont think places like that are ment for corpus christi, i mean you can tell right away what kindof crowd is going to end up there. the music was good, but no place to sit, which i like to sit and watch. im a people watcher, it really fansincates me on how people interact with everyone else and the different atmosphere that they are in. so yeah, we had one drink and left...back to whiskey river, where we like to go and dance and basically be girls. so we went there which i ran into some people...
one the goat rider, since i was intoxicated i decided to be silly with him, and tell him that i was over the situation with him (btw was a lie) and he called me out on it and said that i liked him. ugh...boys. well needless to say that they suck...hes a nice guy although very very confusing. well idk but hes weird. he wouldnt talk to me in the bar but after the bar i literally bumped into him while talking, walking backwards, and just not paying attention. and well into his arms where we had the discussion of me being over him which didnt get me anywhere.
ok, so the other individual i ran into was an old friend of mine, i was in the drill team with this girl shes about 3 years younger than i am, and shes getting married. wow, it made me feel real old and disappointed. weird. cause its bad enough that i am getting old, but its worse when you see someone younger that you getting married and im still out and about like a single girl (i am a single girl).
basically i had a great time this weekend, but hope that next birthday i will be celebrating with a potential guy that i like and he likes me back equally, i still want to party, but i want to do it with a date. lol.
so its already near the end of the next week, didnt do too many exciting things, my little brother and sister are off for spring break from school, so ive just been running around with them. we went to the beach and i have a great tan now!!!

so its already almost hump day!

Well im kindof glad its the middle of the week, im so ready for the weekend, this weekend we are REALLY celebrating for my birthday!!! Im excited, so I didnt finish on wed, so its actually thursday and so many things (not really) have happened...Let me update you, so i was kind of longdistance, thing with my old manager at dw. And it wasnt working out, its like when you finally have something and its not what you want...its weird, i think i have a lot of figuring out to do and since ive come back from dw i have.

ok, so i guess i should explain about the manager we can call him rsn. I met him while working at dw and i thought i was in love with him, btw i use that term a lot, especially while intoxicated, im learning that maybe i need to refrain from saying that cause i get myself in trouble or others fall in love. So back to rsn, so we started dating, but i was happy cause i thought i like this guy and he had potential. but then i got to know him, hes a nice guy, but needy, so i backed off and he became only more needy, then i came home and well we had this long distance thing. Basically this is the second long dis relationship ive had, i am forever veto-ing them. They dont work, people really show their true colors when all you can do is talk over the phone. and basically thats what happened. I want someone here who is a cowboy, jk. but you know that i can see on a regular basis and doesnt involve planning. plus he was too needy for me, i think at one point in the relationship i was like are you the girl or am i??? it was nice though but at times really annoying, he wanted to control me, and have me check in and when things didnt go his way he was mad and upset and throw tantrums. I didnt like that. So we grew apart, at least i did and he tried to solve things by coming to see me, which made things worse and made me realize that its no bueno. hes a nice guy but not for me. well we just ended it today, i am relieved and thats not how you should feel when you and someone else break up. but its a good thing.
so no word from the goat rider, i think that is one mistake that i hadnt made but needed to make and can forever cross off my list of things to do before i get married or commited into a serious relationship that could lead to marriage. my feelings are extremely hurt at this time, but tomorrow is my birthday celebration and im gonna party and forget the goat rider. a friend of mine told me i have a free pass this weekend cause its my birthday. so back to what else has happened...

oh yeah, well schools school, i actually am considering becoming a waitress at a bar, but my mother wouldnt have it. During the summer i plan on going extra crazy and taking like as much school hours as i can get in. i plan on volunteering and getting some hours done so i can receive another as degree before i finish my ba.

I ate lunch with an old friend and realize that its different then when i knew her, knew her.I think everyone has those friends. Those people that you used to be really close to, then you go one way and the other person goes a completely different way and there is this silence that needs to fill in the gap. Its weird how people change. Some for the better, some for the worse, and some well are still trying to figure out themselves. I hope that when people see me that i am for the better, but honestly i think im still trying to figure out myself. i feel like i want so many things in life, that sometimes its there i can see it, but i am just too damn short to get it. Like this boyfriend/relationship thing...me getting older, i feel like i should have one or a potential cause im older i need to start settling down. not too long ago i had one and then it was all wrong, but idk. then there is this school thing, that ive been working on forever, but i am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, still thinking to myself, is this what i want to do for the rest of my life? Thats scary. Maybe i am still confused and still need to grow up more, maybe i have a young soul and its not time yet. Idk. I ponder these things frequently. At the same time, i think i still have forever to live and enjoy life. I have this friend that has a deadline til when she wants to get a boyfriend, i think its kindof silly, but can you put a timeline on love?

I think ive been trying to answer this question since i was 21, i feel like you have to achieve things by a certain age, but as ive grown or my numbers in age increase, i think im just setting myself up for failure. Like if i dont accomplish this by 25, then something is wrong with me or i am disappointed with the situation itself. there were times, and i believe that people who know me, can say that i have sent a great amount of time concentrating on me being old. but i dont really believe that im old, i dont look it and i dont feel it (except when i drink and i get sick and it takes days to recover) but other than that i feel fine. then again deep down inside, the ugly age monster comes out, only while intoxicated, and reminds me that im old, and not married, no boyfriend, no degree. ugh, that age monster. this is what i mean, timelines should be omitted especially if you are trying to accomplish things in life. every time i am reminded of my timeline, i am disappointed. so i think my new goal for me getting older is to forget about that timeline, and just live. and when someone asks how old i am, im just gonna say old enough to drink!!!

My First Birthday Weekend

So this weekend was intended to be a slow and calm weekend...That didnt happen though. It happened to actually be a very eventful weekend, so I can start with Friday, when the weekend started. I am currently not working, so during the week Im pretty much by myself and just do normal stuff like workout and go to school, all my friends work during the day, so when the weekend comes I get all excited cause its so out of the norm for me. So Friday, well I had planned on just going to watch movies, eat cheese dip, and have one rita.
Well we started off watching Twilight, which by the way is a great movie, I was impressed and want to read the book so that I can find out what happens next in the movie, btw I also heard that the book was much better then the movie...so yeah, well while watching the movie, I received a text message from this guy I am crushing on, his name is the Goat Rider (not really his name, but I have nicknames for everyone, this way unless you know me know me, you will know who I am talking about) so he basically asked me to go and see a movie at his apartment after I watched Twilight.
I was so excited, this guy has been giving me the run around for a while now, I am extremely selective about the guys I like so this one I want to have stick around, but he is so weird, like I hadnt heard from him in about a month, we went on a date, and then I hadn't heard anything from him since the day before my bday, I think weird, we have good communication with each other, funny, smart, and seems like an overachiever, so Im impressed although, hes still weird. So Im there with him watching this movie and we kiss and its cute, but weird. (Basically the Goat Rider is weird, and Im attracted to that for some reason, and I think that it gets me in trouble) lol. And i stay the night and he cuddled me all night, it was so cute, Im falling for this guy...We wake up the next morning and I'm thinking this sucks, I like this guy, hes basically perfect, not that great looking but you know I'm attractive to him, he amazing, but I'm not gonna hear from him again, hes gonna disappear from me, like he does but not in a jerk way, I know how is he not a jerk (Let me give you a heads up on the goat rider, he doesn't like to text message back, he seems to take his time). So yeah, he walks me to the door and gives me a little kiss. I'm smitten. What is wrong with this guy, so I was wrong he text the same day and I responded and basically I'm still waiting...
So back to this weekend, that was how my Saturday started, totally awesome by the way but, I went to a friends house and we went mini-golfing, hung out at snoopy's, which by the way was not that exciting, see, I like to eat at snoopy's its good food, fun atmosphere, except I am terrified of seagulls, so when we sat outside I was terrified of one pooping on my head...So it was fun, but then these kids started at the seagulls, and all the seagulls swarmed around and I told my friend "we have to go, one of these birds is gonna poop on us," we left and started our Sangria Saturday!!!
Sangria Sat., basically the best idea ever, sangrias, fruit, and friends. We made a pit stop and visited an old friend of mine, which happens to cook super good, Lulu, and hung out there, I also introduced him and his fam to Sangria Sats, which we all drank together, it was a great time and great idea. Still haven't heard from the goat rider, i think he is officially a lost cause...
So all in all great weekend, hopefully I get some kind of lead for a job, maybe Ill hear from a the goat rider (more than likely i wont), get ready for this next weekend, I am getting all my friends together cause we are gonna celebrate my birthday (a whole week later, friends were out of town), I'm excited to see what the week brings to me...
Now its toward the end of the day and im very distraught about the goat rider, he hasnt called i gave in and sent him a text message and still no response. i guess i just need to get over it...