so its already almost hump day!

Well im kindof glad its the middle of the week, im so ready for the weekend, this weekend we are REALLY celebrating for my birthday!!! Im excited, so I didnt finish on wed, so its actually thursday and so many things (not really) have happened...Let me update you, so i was kind of longdistance, thing with my old manager at dw. And it wasnt working out, its like when you finally have something and its not what you want...its weird, i think i have a lot of figuring out to do and since ive come back from dw i have.

ok, so i guess i should explain about the manager we can call him rsn. I met him while working at dw and i thought i was in love with him, btw i use that term a lot, especially while intoxicated, im learning that maybe i need to refrain from saying that cause i get myself in trouble or others fall in love. So back to rsn, so we started dating, but i was happy cause i thought i like this guy and he had potential. but then i got to know him, hes a nice guy, but needy, so i backed off and he became only more needy, then i came home and well we had this long distance thing. Basically this is the second long dis relationship ive had, i am forever veto-ing them. They dont work, people really show their true colors when all you can do is talk over the phone. and basically thats what happened. I want someone here who is a cowboy, jk. but you know that i can see on a regular basis and doesnt involve planning. plus he was too needy for me, i think at one point in the relationship i was like are you the girl or am i??? it was nice though but at times really annoying, he wanted to control me, and have me check in and when things didnt go his way he was mad and upset and throw tantrums. I didnt like that. So we grew apart, at least i did and he tried to solve things by coming to see me, which made things worse and made me realize that its no bueno. hes a nice guy but not for me. well we just ended it today, i am relieved and thats not how you should feel when you and someone else break up. but its a good thing.
so no word from the goat rider, i think that is one mistake that i hadnt made but needed to make and can forever cross off my list of things to do before i get married or commited into a serious relationship that could lead to marriage. my feelings are extremely hurt at this time, but tomorrow is my birthday celebration and im gonna party and forget the goat rider. a friend of mine told me i have a free pass this weekend cause its my birthday. so back to what else has happened...

oh yeah, well schools school, i actually am considering becoming a waitress at a bar, but my mother wouldnt have it. During the summer i plan on going extra crazy and taking like as much school hours as i can get in. i plan on volunteering and getting some hours done so i can receive another as degree before i finish my ba.

I ate lunch with an old friend and realize that its different then when i knew her, knew her.I think everyone has those friends. Those people that you used to be really close to, then you go one way and the other person goes a completely different way and there is this silence that needs to fill in the gap. Its weird how people change. Some for the better, some for the worse, and some well are still trying to figure out themselves. I hope that when people see me that i am for the better, but honestly i think im still trying to figure out myself. i feel like i want so many things in life, that sometimes its there i can see it, but i am just too damn short to get it. Like this boyfriend/relationship thing...me getting older, i feel like i should have one or a potential cause im older i need to start settling down. not too long ago i had one and then it was all wrong, but idk. then there is this school thing, that ive been working on forever, but i am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, still thinking to myself, is this what i want to do for the rest of my life? Thats scary. Maybe i am still confused and still need to grow up more, maybe i have a young soul and its not time yet. Idk. I ponder these things frequently. At the same time, i think i still have forever to live and enjoy life. I have this friend that has a deadline til when she wants to get a boyfriend, i think its kindof silly, but can you put a timeline on love?

I think ive been trying to answer this question since i was 21, i feel like you have to achieve things by a certain age, but as ive grown or my numbers in age increase, i think im just setting myself up for failure. Like if i dont accomplish this by 25, then something is wrong with me or i am disappointed with the situation itself. there were times, and i believe that people who know me, can say that i have sent a great amount of time concentrating on me being old. but i dont really believe that im old, i dont look it and i dont feel it (except when i drink and i get sick and it takes days to recover) but other than that i feel fine. then again deep down inside, the ugly age monster comes out, only while intoxicated, and reminds me that im old, and not married, no boyfriend, no degree. ugh, that age monster. this is what i mean, timelines should be omitted especially if you are trying to accomplish things in life. every time i am reminded of my timeline, i am disappointed. so i think my new goal for me getting older is to forget about that timeline, and just live. and when someone asks how old i am, im just gonna say old enough to drink!!!